Job insecurity.

I had an interview last Thursday. It was for the same job I’ve had for the past year. The exact same job. This is what the job market has come to.

In the 70s, employers had to beg for workers.

In the 80s, I don’t know, because I don’t appear to have a family member who tried to break into the job market that decade. I assume it was the same as the 70s, but with more hairspray and shoulder pads.

In the 90s, you needed a resume, but you were able to list “married” as one of your qualifications as my mom did.

In the 00s, this Millennial had an argument with her mother about whether “married” and “non-smoker” were descriptors appropriate for a resume. Jobs in the 00s required that you include a cover letter and fill out an application form, AND thank a potential employer for taking the time to even consider you.

2010? You definitely need connections.

Now that we’re at the beginning of the third decade of the millennium, we need to convince our employers to keep us on. I’m not opposed to this idea, though, as there are definitely people who have flown under the radar doing the bare minimum without making a sack-worthy misstep. I’m tired of picking up the slack. Too bad I’m only mostly sure that my employer doesn’t see me that way, which stresses me out. I should have brought snacks to the interview.

If I don’t get the job I already have, it’s because I didn’t bring donuts. No donuts, no job.

To keep this post light on work-related news, here are the questions I’d ask if I were to interview an acquaintance looking to be promoted to bronze-level friend (so, BLF, not BF).

1. a. Do you know ASL? If not, are you willing to least try to learn some signs?

b. If we’re going to be real-time pen pals (converse in writing) for the first year of our friendship, are you ever going put me through secondhand embarrassment by writing out web acronyms like LOL or SMH?

2. What is your political leaning? (There is no disagreeing with me on human rights issues.)

3. a. Are you going to shame me for my excessive use of Q-Tips?

b. Or how I refer to them by the brand name?

4. Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one?

5. If you smoke cigarettes, do you ever flick the butt on the ground as if it doesn’t count as littering? If so, explain yourself.

6. a. Do you ever plan on completely disregarding the advice you asked for that took me 30 minutes to type up in an email, complete with hyperlinks?

b. How do you feel about this kind of passive-aggressiveness?

7. If we’re at the outdoor pool and I realize halfway through our swim (splash sesh, more like) that I’ve forgotten to bring my Tamagotchi, would you get out of the pool early with me as a preventative measure against its untimely death? (This has happened which is why, 25 years later, I’m still friends with the friend who I forced out of the pool.)

8. a. If you drop by for a visit, but can’t notify me of your presence via technology, would you pick mushrooms out of my backyard and throw it at my second storey bedroom window?

b. More than once?

c. Then give up after a while and not even explain to me the next day at school why I have smashed mushrooms on my bedroom window?

d. Do you realize that they won’t ever fall off on their own and instead give birth to a new colony of fungus?

e. ON MY BEDROOM WINDOW?

f. Until my dad finally gets out the ladder and scrapes it off?

g. What I meant to ask was: how would you get my attention if you’re unable to holler for it?

9. Do you realize that #9 appears twice?

9. Now you do.

10. What’s my favourite movie? There are two hints in this post.

To get a job in 2030, we’ll each need a celebrity endorsement.

Become my friend today so that I can use my inevitable celebrity status to endorse you in 2030!