That escalated quickly.

It was shaping up to be a slow week when it seemed that trying Icelandic yogurt (skyr) was the most exciting thing I did all week. The thrill lay within my lactose intolerance: Is this going to cause gastrointestinal distress? Will it be worth it? (It was delicious.)

Then on Friday night, I started painting the modeling clay tongue that I made earlier in the week. I’d pierced it with two barbells while the clay was still soft. To make painting easier, I removed the jewelry and placed them in one of the wells of my paint tray so that they wouldn’t roll off my adjustable desk. I forgot about this when cleaning up: I dumped the tray in the kitchen sink and washed the leftover paint down the drain, along with the barbells.

I was not high when I did this. Truthfully, I hadn’t realized what I’d done until I was high.

My Pilea Mollis serving Little Shop of Horrors realness.
Continue reading “That escalated quickly.”

February 11, 2008 Throwback blog post.

The x-raying went alright.

An animated Gif featuring Milhouse Van Houten pinned under a malfunctioning x-ray machine that pulses beams at his head. His skull flashes as the machine pulses a green beam.

I was in and out of the lab within ten minutes. Now I need to wait three to four days for the doctor to hem and haw before confirming that I have osteoarthritis. That’s my guess. It’s been my guess since I was in my early twenties. I’ve already had this self-diagnosis rejected by several doctors. I was too young, they said. Ideally, yes, but I’ll bet I’m an early bloomer when it comes to geriatric ailments. I mean, because of dissolving tooth enamel, 30% of my teeth have already been capped with either porcelain or gold.

The following three paragraphs were going to be whiny, but they’re gone now. My mental well-being is dependent on my level of physical activity: too much rest leaves me restless. I’m going to try not to spend my recovery time sitting around writing depressing blog posts.

Today’s throwback post is from the time a Boomer judged me for buying avocado. The incident took place in 2008, long before the avocado toast controversy. Perhaps it was me who sparked the whole debate?

Continue reading “February 11, 2008 Throwback blog post.”

November 6, 2006 Throwback blog post.

Yesterday, when I mentioned the guy who interrupted my footlong chowing session at Subway with an unwanted strip show, I had to dig through my archives for the post. It took a while, as I’d archived my posts by the month. As I originally lived in Victoria for about four years, I had to sift through about forty months before finally finding the entry, and… it was underwhelming. If you wish to be underwhelmed, I can email it to you.

During my journey through the past, I uncovered some doozies. I spit out my tea when I read, “Has anybody noticed how it’s the bitchy girls who like Winnie the Pooh?”

Past me slays Now me.

The throwback post I’m sharing today isn’t about Winnie the Pooh or bitchy girls, but my transition from having a chaotic roommate to being the chaotic roommate.

Continue reading “November 6, 2006 Throwback blog post.”

Naturally creepy. (Plus a mini Throwback blog post from Jan 25, 2012.)

Ok, Bezos, you win. I’ve upcycled one of #304’s empty Amazon boxes as a bedside table. I get to roll out of my bed without injuring myself for a week as my bed frame was disassembled and moved to my future home on Tuesday.

I sleep a safe 11″ off the floor. I can make do with this for a few nights. The camp chair as a couch situation, however, is getting old. Every time I go camping with this chair hereon, I will have indoor memories associated with it. I’ve sullied my camp chair by turning it into makeshift living room furniture for a month. Yup.

I was supposed to have the day off yesterday to do fun things like clean the oven. Instead, my boss summoned me to work. It was a bike shop shift, which I haven’t gotten many of since October. Getting paid to work on bikes seemed like a more pleasant alternative to huffing oven cleaner fumes.

I have today off to prep the place for the next tenant. I’m going to hide messages of encouragement everywhere so that they can be like, “Awww… but also creepy.”

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU IN CASE NO ONE HAS.

Tomorrow, I get my new teeth installed, or, if you prefer, the more regal version: get my teeth crowned. I’ll get to bite into food again, but with much apprehension now that they have a price tag attached to them.

I forgot to bring a fork and knife to work for my leftover pizza, so I had to shred it into small bits with my hands like a raccoon. Nobody else was in the break room while I did this, nor did anyone walk in on me doing this. Otherwise, I would have an obligation to explain that my teeth are plastic, effectively making myself seem more insane than initially suspected.

Besides, when I tell people I have plastic teeth, they probably recall the scene in Dennis the Menace where he breaks Mr. Wilson’s dentures and swaps the front teeth for Chiclets.

The late Walter Matthau as Mr. Wilson grinning. The two front teeth have been swapped for Chiclets.
Or not. This movie wasn’t popular.

In truth, they look normal. Disappointingly ordinary, even. Only when you see me eat will you know something isn’t right.

As for today’s mini Throwback post: My blog posts were more frequent but often less fleshed out, and this one is an example of that.

Continue reading “Naturally creepy. (Plus a mini Throwback blog post from Jan 25, 2012.)”