Show & Tell from Hell.

The Most Curious Curio Showdown is on!

First, I shall get you warmed up for what you’re about to see by sharing the objects of interest that were once in my possession. Instead of moving all this stuff across the country and back–or across the Strait of Georgia and back–they got Marie Kondo’d. I thanked these items for their service and disposed of them.

Bear in mind that most of these items were gifts rather than something I intentionally obtained. It does say a lot about how my friends perceive me, though.

In no particular order:

  1. The Ram Rod. Details in this post.

2. Dog testicles.

Ungrown grow-a-brain toy for scale.

3. A decapitated mummified head with its septum pierced. This was supposedly a prop in an episode of The X-Files. If you think you know which episode, please tell me.

I didn’t keep it for long because it reeked strongly of musty latex.

4. A leather snap cuff to wrap around the base of the nutsack. This scrotum belt had chains joined by a ring in the middle to support any weight one might want to attach.

I would love to explain this apparatus some more, except I don’t understand it even after owning it.

While no close-up photos exist, it makes a surprise appearance in the background of several photos.

Rather than suspend it from a body part, I suspended it from my ceiling and nestled one of my GIANTmicrobes in there. I believe Ulcer won the coveted spot in this testicle stretcher thingamajig.

5. Teeth from two people. Two friends thought, “I bet Laura would love to receive my teeth.”

They were wisdom teeth. Because most people get their wisdom teeth out before they hit their twenties, and this predated my digital camera days, I only have a remarkably poor-quality webcam photo of one of the sets.

6. 2L bottle of personal lubricant with a pump dispenser. I was re-stretching my ears and asked my roomie, Danica, if she had any lube I could use. She put this giant bottle in front of my bedroom door and told me, “It’s yours.”

I kept it on my bedside table, not caring whether it suggested that I had an arid no-no region.

7. Timk (the K is silent) the baby giant millipede who lived in a flaming igloo.

A giant millipede runs into an aflame igloo made from polymer clay.
…in a tank. Timk (the K is silent) wasn’t a free-roaming millipede.

8. An Anne Geddes plushy with the face ripped out and replaced with Bob the Tomato from the Christian cartoon Veggie Tales.

Look at these teeny hands, perfect for grubbing coins out of the church collection plate.

9. The dresser seen in the background of the above photo:

The artwork on the sides and top weren’t better.

10. A dilapidated hospital wheelchair which I used when shit-posting online.

My makeshift computer chair.

11. An eight-gauge octopus hook with the barbed end ground off. Not notable until you learn of its odd origins.

(I had both items in my purse, yet the compact mirror was what the airport security deemed suspicious.)

It was one of the ten that was placed through my skin and suspended me from a ceiling when I was eighteen.

12. Two bright-coloured petticoats that I bought for no good reason. I wanted to be a person who wore petticoats. Instead, I was a person who kept petticoats stuffed in her Hungarian Narwhal dresser.

13. Five pounds of masking tape the size of a human head. My high school unknowingly funded this project; it grew as I carried this from class to class in my backpack until I developed lower back pain. Then, one weekend, I lugged it from Langley to my boyfriend’s place in North Vancouver. I think he was impressed?

Which brings me to the strangest thing I currently own:

Click on, my friends… →

What’s black, white, and dead?

The TBD prize has been D.

Found on Cloverdale Ave.

The prize is not a panda that has overdosed on a power box next to an empty raspberry clamshell, Gorilla Tape packaging, a Manila envelope, a broken shoe rack, and a bowl stained with sauce.

I’ve had to order the prize online, so it might take a while before it arrives. The deadline for the Most Curious Curio Contest is for Sunday the 30th at 8:35 pm. Pacific Standard Time!

Then, I’ll post all the submissions whenever.

Continue reading “What’s black, white, and dead?”