My chaotic life on display.

I didn’t realize a part of BC’s restart plan involved being tired ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Only a fraction of the usual employees were recalled at my workplace, so Yann and I have both had to make ourselves totally available to work at any time.

This chaos has inadvertently led to the creation of our curio shelf:


What it really is is an accumulation of random objects on the countertop of the kitchen passthrough.

First, there’s the notebook I had been using to plan my YouTube bike maintenance videos. It’s going to be a while before I can upload something new, though, as my time management capabilities are shot.

On top of that, is a tin box meant to transport Ritter Sport chocolates safely. We’ve instead been using it to store our joint.

At the height of the “lockdown” (it was hardly a lockdown in Victoria), Yann and I were smoking inside our suite by leaning outside the window. (So, we technically haven’t been smoking indoors.) I dropped the joint once and had to sprint outside in my pyjamas and slippers to retrieve it. While I scrambled to find it in the dark, Yann remained in our suite, three stories up and “helped” by illuminating the pavement using the flashlight of his phone. If the woman who lives in the ground-level suite didn’t notice me in my pyjamas crawling outside her window at first, my half-baked lightning technician changed that.

“What’s that noise? Is it a raccoon? Oh no, it’s fucking junkie.”

Next, we have Yann’s Zippo lighter. It doesn’t make for a joint-friendly flame. I’m surprised Yann hasn’t torched off his facial hair yet.

Besides the lighter, is a prescription spray bottle that was once filled with sebum. It was meant to help our cat, Enfoiré, with his dandruff problem. But because it made Enfoiré feel as if he was being punished, we’d wait until he was making trouble before misting him. The product has since then expired and been replaced with water, which doesn’t bother Enfoiré much.

I have a habit of opening a can of club soda and not finishing it. Yann has many quirks that annoy me (not because he’s especially annoying, but because I’m a person of a million pet peeves), but this is one of the things I do that annoys him.

I am sorry I get easily distracted while enjoying carbonated beverages!

Yes, we keep the cat brush on the kitchen counter. We’re also the type of cat owners who let our furry prisoners blot toxoplasmosis all over our counters. Cats are only capable of being trained to stay off the table in the presence of humans. You’re a sucker if you think cats are going to respect your rules when you aren’t around!

Even dirtier than the cat brush would have to be my hacky sack. We’ve been spending a lot of time punting that thing around in the alley next to our building. Yes, where I dropped the joint.

“Oh great, the junkies are playing hacky sack outside my window again.” 

I won’t say that Yann and I have gotten good at hacky sack, as this is what good looks like. But, we do not suck.

Next to that filthy bag, is… the famed bag of dicks! I understand that I gave some people the impression that it was a formidable sack of dicks, the kind that you sling over your shoulder to tote. But, no, it’s a modest bubble mailer containing fewer than ten micropeens. Sorry to wreck your illusion.

How does one dispose of a burnt-out light bulb and spent battery? We aren’t sure either, which is why these items are there.

A few months ago, a friend made fun of me for using multi-coloured gel pens, which I found to be a strange thing to mock. Yes, I like using colourful pens that glide across paper with ease. What a doozy! So, that’s my hilarious, hilarious purple gel pen on the counter.

I own one multi-tool. Yann owns multi multi-tools. Both multi-tool on the counter belong to him. But, both tubes of lip balm belong to me. I can never dodge responsibility for leaving around half-finished cans of club soda when there’s always the telltale goo of beeswax in the shape of my lips on the can.

Anyway, it’s my day off. Time to de-clutter!



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