Because I asked.

What the Spongebob fuck is this?

I'm standing in front of a mirror with my arms up, showing the odd cut of the white t-shirt I had ordered. I am wearing black shorts and low-cut black socks. The mirror appears to be streaky.

Is this not the illest of ill-fitting t-shirts? It’s a t-shit. I bought three white tees wishing to turn the fashion clock backwards to the 60s with a tie dye kit. Instead, this decade’s fashion got in the way with its strange cuts.

Why is the crew neck trim so wide?

The body is wide and short, without being a crop top. Why?

The urgency of keeping up with the latest fashion trends has moved children from the production line to the designing studio. Nobody has the time to go to fashion design school these days. Fetuses are currently sketching up tomorrow’s trends from the womb. Therefore, we’re going to be seeing openings for vestigial tails in future designs.

I hated the t-shirts so much that I returned them by mail within two days.

When I was a kid, I was gifted a Tyvek paper jacket that came with permanent markers for customization. I had just learned how to draw orcas and wanted to showcase this on the jacket. The design on the back featured a tangled ball of orcas and the sleeves, an assortment of orcas with a smattering of squid. It was tacky but not as bad as a Simons white tee.

Could I dedicate a blog post to how much I hated these t-shirts? Yes, but I’m not going to.

My finishing touch is going to be a list of questions for you to answer. If not in the blog you don’t have, then in the comments. Entertain me and pick one:

  1. Suppose you’ve gone your entire life without the internet up until now, what’s the first thing you’d want to google?
  2. What is your quest? (What do you want out of life?)
  3. If you could be brilliant at one thing, what would it be?
  4. Coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?
  5. What do you think should be taught in school–that isn’t already taught?
  6. If you could shoot silk out of your butt like a spider, would you tell anybody?
  7. What’s the most useful information you’ve learned recently?
  8. Which city do you think has the best architecture? Have you been there?
  9. If you could invent a new holiday to replace an existing holiday, which holiday would you replace and how would this new holiday be celebrated?
  10. What was the most bizarre fashion item you’ve ever donned?

2 thoughts on “Because I asked.

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