Worrying about how much I worry.

Before I ask the roomie, who may not even know, what do you think the strips of Velcro on the outside of our door frame do?

I’ve lived in this building since the end of February, and I only just noticed the random Velcro two weeks ago. Ideally, I would spend more time pondering their purpose than mine. I don’t have a good handle on my mental health these days. I feel isolated, yet I don’t want to be around people knowing how I’ll project my misery on them. I’ve had well-intentioned friends offer their support. I also feel they’re severely underestimating how difficult I am to be around during those lows.

I’ve been missing a lot of work, too: it doesn’t take much to trigger a breakdown. It’s embarrassing breaking down at work, especially when most of my co-workers are new and are already intimidated by my deafness. I don’t want to subject others to the ugliness that is my mental health crisis.

If you haven’t heard from me in a while: it’s nothing personal. I can’t commit to plans. I already feel like a failure when I’m not functional at work.

On my days off, I feel obligated to do more than sleep in and loaf on the couch watching tv. I’ve had the time to plan this year’s gingerbread creation, but not enough motivation. On the upside, I have been Zwifting consistently: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Most days, I force myself to get on the trainer even when I’m not feeling it because I’ve always felt at least a bit better once I finish a workout. When I couldn’t bring myself to do it on Friday, I made up for it by planting my butt onto the saddle and riding a virtual loop around Central Park in NYC.

Unlike with climbing, I don’t have to be around people. Last Wednesday, I found myself surrounded by avatars when I entered my first Zwift race. I entered it with just two minutes to go–I wasn’t adequately warmed up. My race plan was to pace myself. As it turns out, it is necessary to go hard at the beginning to stay with the pack, as drafting behind a group saves watts. Oh well. Still, I finished 29th out of 61 participants and grabbed all three jerseys. While my mental health is the pits, my fitness is decent, and the motivation is there to continue.

Another morsel of positivity in my life is this cutie:

I’ve won him over.