The roomie tested positive for covid on Monday, so I toted my survival kit next door to Jordi’s. My survival kit contains a few pairs of socks, underwear, pajamas, and a Ziploc bag full of skincare products in sample-sized containers.
Don’t be fooled, none of those ridiculously labelled jars contain their original potions. Belif it or not, I’ve mashed deodorant inside the one “true cream”. I do not moisturize bomb my armpit, nor do I slop “air-whipped superfood” on my face. Yes, there was a time when I smeared clay sourced from Italy on my face and sealed my pores off with tiger grass. They were all freebies that Sephora threw in with my order. I use slightly fancy, but light on bullshit potions. My face moisturizer is simply called Double-Duty Face Moisturizer: it masquerades as the Lotus Youth Preserve Dream Face Cream Super Lotus Night Recovery, or as Jordi likes to call it, “Moon Powered Cream”.
So, last night I enlightened him on the extent of skincare products marketed toward women. I surrendered my ratty Ziploc bag full of repurposed sample-sized containers for him to rip on.
Jordi: “What is umbrian clay? Umbra means shadow, so I guess it means dark clay?”
Who the fuck knows, aside from the chemists at the Fresh HQ? I only learned that it’s clay sourced from Umbria, Italy. Of all the world’s clay reserves, how was it discovered that Umbria has the secret to pore purification? (100mL of this stuff retails for $80!)
But that’s marketing for ya: obscure ingredients + thesaurus = the next big thing in skincare. Part of me thinks it’d be fun to get into marketing, but making a living off being unethical also doesn’t sit right with me.
Jordi (and the Korean brand, Belif): “Believe in truth….”
Gamma infused arctic berry neck salve. Winterbloom malar youth tonic. Amplified rhodium torso talc. Cambrian pore-impregnating elixir with Vitamin R. Doctor Smoochy’s gob goop.
Has AI rendered those marketing jobs obsolete yet? I mean, there’s already a hipster restaurant menu generator.
Jordi: “Youth Preserve sounds like a charity.”
My charity case days are over: I’m taking my moon-powered cream and the rest of my skincare lineup home tonight. After five days, the roomie is not likely to still be contagious. I’m not worried about getting covid, nor chicken pox, but my rut continues.
I’ve had enough moon. I need sun.
squaremeat.com 