Squeezing money out of my juicer.

I’ve been over my juicing phase for a year now. Was it time to get rid of my $200 Breville Multi-Speed Juice Fountain? What if I were to suddenly end up with a surplus of carrots? Then I’d have seller’s remorse. On the other hand, it’s appallingly large for something considered a “small home appliance.” Even $50 in pennies would probably still be smaller than the juicer.

Craigslist it is.

Except people in Québec prefer the ad-laden classified advertisement service that is Kijiji. Kijiji is garbage, and the people who use it are garbage. Slightly moreso than Craigslisters. I felt unclean making that post for my juicer, but I did it. Here’s exactly what I posted:

Breville Multi-Speed Juice Fountain – $50.

Prospective Buyer #1 wanted to know:

“What model is it?”

There’s an Amazon link to the exact model I’m selling. It’s in the very first line of my ad.

Still Prospective Buyer #1:

“Ooh, but I see a crack.”

Yes. I mentioned the crack AND posted a photo specifically to show the crack. I have also kindly directed you to a retailer who will sell you a crack-free version for just $199.99!

The last question from Not-So-Prospective-Buyer #1 was:

“Does it make apple juice?”

WHAT ARE YOU, FIVE? Even if you’re wanting to make apple juice for your five-year-old, it horrifies me to know that someone who was unable to gather this sort of information from a detailed post has procreated.

No, it doesn’t fucking make apple juice. It can only juice the following:

• iceberg lettuce
• jujubes
• fish
• colours (except for orange)
• numbers (except for prime numbers)
• grape juice-soaked cotton balls
• clam, but only in conjunction with tomatoes

Apple juice, though? I am insulted. I’m not giving up a huge small home appliance that I once loved to some spaced-out wastrel.

As a rule, I don’t sell anything for less than $50 on Kijijijijiji or Gregslist. I refuse to be inconvenienced for anything less than $50.

In the future, each time anybody asks a question that is already answered in the ad itself, I am going to raise the price of whatever I’m selling by $2. I am a monster.

I’m wonderful as a buyer: I don’t haggle on items under $100, and the transaction will take place at the seller’s convenience. I show up on time, sober, and carrying exact change. I will even ask if I should take my shoes off if they invite me in.

Then again, I haven’t bought anything niche like a juicer, or a bong. Before my “Sell Nothing Under $100 Rule” came into effect, one of the things I sold in preparation for my move to Montréal was a bong for $40. You’d think it’d be easy to sell a bong in a city like Vancouver, but while I got a lot of responses, these responses were coming from the sort of people who would buy a secondhand bong from a private seller online. Therefore, they read like:

“Is this still available? Can I come and get it now?”

“I’ll give you $10 if I can get it now.”

“Does it make apple juice?”

…and they mostly came at weird times of the night, like 2am.

The bong ended up in the hands of a girl who described it as being “beautiful” in her initial contact. (I’d have described this bong as being translucent cobalt blue with bukkake, but I guess “beautiful” works too.)

The flattery was a nice touch: I like knowing that I have great taste in cannabis filtration devices. Anyway, she showed up on time–at a sensible time of the day–and looked to be no older than 16 years. But, she was a 16-year-old with the $40 asking price.

Millennials are ruining Generation Z, I know.

I’ve had a Gen Xer who showed up nearly an hour late to pick up an Ikea swivel chair. She arrived at my 3rd floor suite out of breath, and said to Yann who had answered the door, “Sorry, just walked up five flights of stairs.”

It was a Hagrid-looking Boomer who bought my Fluevog boots. If they were for him, I don’t think they were for his feet.

Anyhow, there’s no need to be ageist: selling stuff online is inevitably annoying.

Ultimately, it was Prospective Buyer #2 who cycled off into the sunset with a bulging backpack containing a well-loved $50 Breville Multi-Speed Juice Fountain.