Smoking gun lamp.

I made the mistake of forgetting to go into Incognito mode when I visited The Bradford Exchange. Now everywhere I go online, ads for The Bradford Exchange trail me.

If you’re not familiar with The Bradford Exchange, it’s a company that makes things exclusively for middle-aged small-town housewives (and their “hubbies”). It’s for people who require that their timepiece be encompassed by no fewer than five eagles. It’s for ladies who want the birthstones of all seven kids crammed onto one ring. It’s for men who idolize Elvis so much that they’d hang an Elvis-shaped wall sculpture featuring a montage of Elvises within the cape. Elvis to the power of Elvis.

An Elvis-shaped wall sculpture in which Elvis is dressed in rhinestone studded bell bottoms and a cape. A montage of three Elvises is printed on the inside of the cape.
Hey, Bradford Exchange: free advertising!

Prince Philip died less than a week ago, and they’re already selling commemorative plates!

A Prince Philip commemorative plate featuring Prince Philip's latest portrait surrounded by a montage of Prince Philip over the years. The Queen makes an appearance. The words under the plate reads: Plate stand not included.
What’s the Queen doing on a Prince Philip commemorative plate?

If I found this stuff for cheap at a thrift store, I might consider bringing it home, but I would never spend $225 on a commemorative plate that does not come with a stand!

I would love to sit in on a think tank meeting at The Bradford Exchange. Who comes up with those ideas?

A silver and gold band with blue and white gemstones surrounding a heart that holds the Toronto Blue Jays logo.

Who decided to categorize this as a Romantic Gift Idea? $129 and the image… is subject to change?

My evening did not start with The Bradford Exchange. It began with Gator asking me about my bedding budget. How much is too much to spend on bedding? I am willing to spend a lot but unwilling to repurchase unless I have to. The cats did a number on the duvet cover I bought from Simons when I’d just moved to Montréal. I’m reminded daily of the destruction they’ve caused. (It was worth it.) Now that I no longer have cats, what’s my excuse for living like a cat-less cat lady? Could I find some room in my budget for a new duvet cover?

So, I started browsing for duvet cover options, which was not exciting because none of the designs for adults are exciting. If anything, most of them were aggressively feminine. I checked several sites, and they were all pastel colours, or flowery, or both. What if I wanted a manly duvet cover? A cover that could conceal stains so well that I’d never have to wash it? How could I live out my wildlife bloodbath fantasy indoors?

Hunting camo print duvet covers.
I could eat BBQ ribs in bed!

Cabela’s got me covered! My hunt for manly bedding had me explore what else Cabela’s had to offer, and eventually led me to checking out what Bradford was exchanging.

This bronze terrier lamp from Cabela’s seemed bad at first:

Table lamp with bronze base of a terrier sitting next to a duck.

Then I found Gun Lamp:

A table lamp with three shotguns as its base.

Guns don’t kill: they illuminate. I would pay up to $12 for that lamp.

Somebody left a review on this lamp. The written review is unremarkable, but the accompanying photo shows the plastic cover still on the lampshade. As I type this, Fresco Jesus is staring at me with his beady eyes, judging me for being so judgmental.

A replica of Ecce Homo post-restoration. It features a male figure that is supposed to be Jesus Christ, but instead looks like a wonky-eyed blurry-mouthed monster.
Replica of Cecilia Jiminez’s Ecce Homo 2017

My taste level has only elevated slightly in the last ten years. I used to have a beat up hospital wheelchair as a computer chair. I used to collect photos of strangers which I’d then tape to my bedroom wall. And, of course, I’ve already discussed my phallic decor phase.

Ergo, if Elvis memorabilia is your jam, I won’t yuck your yum! (To your face, anyway.) Besides, I’ve grown to accept ridicule towards my taste in home décor, including my clawed-up galaxy print duvet cover, which I’ll be keeping for a while longer. Unless someone can point me in the direction of cute, bold bedding, kinda like this, but less childish. Help?

3 thoughts on “Smoking gun lamp.

  1. Pingback: That’s the tea.

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