Saccharine dystopia.

HEY EVERYBODY! Thanks for your continued interest in my life.

It’s nice still being relevant. I have also updated my home decor. After six years of sleeping under the stars, I’ve retired my ratty galaxy print duvet cover, of which its rattiness was accelerated not by rats but cats. When I bought it, I’d just moved to Montréal with only a sleeping bag as a bedding option and needed something quickly. The galaxy print stood out among all the beige and floral options, so it made its way into my new home. While I hauled my kitschy bedding back to the west coast in 2019, I thankfully didn’t need to get rid of any mustache or bacon accouterments that were the craze in the 2010s.

Anyway, what thrilling duvet cover have I chosen to sleep under for the next 5-10 years?

So much jungle, I may just get trench foot. I didn’t realize until I spread it out on my bed that the design came with two parrots. What a pleasant surprise.

I think it brightens up my otherwise bland (and tiny) bedroom, which is too dim to keep any of my plants. In the future, I may share a photo of my equally teensy living room where all my plants thrive. I have not had an actual guest in my place since I moved in, hence why I am inviting you, the internet, into my abode.

On the subject of homes and decorating, I received an email from Habitat for Humanity, not offering to build the bungalow of my dreams but asking me to participate in this year’s gingerbread competition. This is what I made for them last year:

Rather than responding, “DO YOU MEAN FONDANT COMPETITON?” as last year’s winners used minimal gingerbread, I registered. This isn’t new news: I entered my name last week when it was still August. I just couldn’t figure out how to work it into a post where I talked about stuffing Yann’s car full of my landlord’s garbage.

I’ve been an amateur cookie architect since 2011: last year was the first time I’d entered my creation in a competition. I liked the idea of having hundreds if not thousands of people enjoy all the effort I put into my builds. And with luck, I thought, Netflix would get me to host a show where I create unnecessarily large and elaborate confections alongside puppets. But it’s already been done.

I do it as a distraction from the bleakness that is autumn. Fall is when things die, including my motivation to go riding outside. Baking gingerbread brings me warmth during a cold, wet, dark season because turning myself into a jungle-print burrito with my new bedding and marathoning Drag Race won’t be enough.

This year’s theme is The Future of Home. “We invite you to take a look forward, going beyond the build to consider how we might live and what changes we could make to create a brighter future for everyone. Share your hopes for our homes, communities, and the environment we share in this new future, full of exciting possibilities!“

Do we really believe the future is full of exciting possibilities?

My best idea so far is to recreate the Elohim Embassy complete with extra-sweet-terrestrials.

That would be a fun mashup of two of my interests: baking and cults! Perhaps it’d be better if I stick with a cult with which I’m more familiar, such as the Rajneesh movement. How many A-frame ginger structures do you think I could cram onto a 24″ x 24″ plywood base? And, would I have enough room to build an edible version of Sheela’s salmonella lab?

(If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I suggest you read this post, and then this one… and then watch Wild Wild Country before it leaves Netflix, even if it takes you six hours.)

I don’t think Habitat for Humanity would appreciate me making a mockery of their competition. Please make sensible, family-friendly AND relevant suggestions. Otherwise, I’ll forfeit my spot in the competition to someone more idealistic.

Help.